Articles

Assertiveness

How Assertive Are You?

Below is a list of rights that all people have. However, it is usually only assertive people that exercise these rights, with the knowledge that it is their right to do so. Read through the list and tick off all of the ones that you agree with and exercise. If there are a lot that you aren’t implementing in your life, now is a great time to review how assertive you are, and take steps to becoming more assertive.

ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

1.    The right to say no

2.    The right to make mistakes

3.    The right to consider my needs important

4.    The right to express my feelings in an appropriate manner without violating anybody else’s rights.

5.    The right to take responsibility for my own actions

6.    The right to set my own priorities

7.    The right to respect myself

8.    The right to be me

9.    The right to be assertive without feeling guilty

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goal Setting

Goal Setting - Your Choice!

“Every choice you make either takes you closer to, or further away from your goals” - Unknown author

As 2011 comes to a close, and 2012 approaches, many of us are thinking about new year's resolutions. New year's resolutions can be an exciting concept to make changes in our lives, or a loaded term that means we set ourselves up for failure, if we are not properly prepared.

While many people sit down and goal set using a method that works for them, I would like to introduce a different way of achieving your goals, which also helps you to be more conscious and present in your life. As the quote above says, the choices that we make provide a clear indication of where we will end up. Let me explain. If your goal is to lose weight, many times throughout a day you will be faced with choices that will either take you closer to, or further away from that goal. For example; you wake up in the morning, and you have planned to exercise, but it is raining outside. You here have a choice that will either support your goal of losing weight, or get in the way of it. Will you choose to still exercise, or will you stay in bed vowing to exercise tomorrow?

What about if your goal is to travel, and in order to do so you need to save X amount of money. You set a budget and can have reached your goal by June 2012. However, late in January, you go on a little shopping spree. You reassess your budget and realise that you goal to travel has been pushed back by a month, because of your shopping. A few weeks later, your best friend calls you and suggests a little retail therapy. Do you go, with the knowledge that if you do, your trip will be pushed back to August 2012? Do you choose to get closer to or further away from your goal.

The method above is a clear, simple concept that can bring about massive changes in your life; providing you are consciously making choices and not just strolling aimlessly through life. Think of some choices that you have made in certain aspects of your life. Did those choices take you closer to, or further away from your goals?

I also want to make one more point, on preparation. I believe that in order to achieve your goals, preparation is necessary. If you are writing down your goals and making a clear plan, including ways to deal with obstacles as they arise, you are on the right track. I do believe though, that it is beneficial to be aware that every little choice you make will somehow affect the achievement of your goal, whether it be for a positive or negative outcome.

Good luck with that goal setting!

Goal Setting Creatively

Having analyzed, on the anniversary of 9/11, where my last 10 years had gone, I realized that some areas of my life needed serious attention. So, I did what everyone else does when they realize changes are needed, I started goal setting. Now we all know the standard ways of setting goals; some people use the SMART approach, others journal, but generally most people write them down methodically. So I set aside the afternoon to journal the areas of my life that needed improvement, and exactly HOW I was going to go about this. As excited as I was about improving my life into near perfection, I was also a little bored with the pages that I had written, and the methodology I soon had to follow to achieve my goals. I was also confused. I had written 10 SMART goals, for 3 areas of my life, and when I finished my written work I realized that timelines overlapped, and basically unless I revisited my goals each day, I was going to lose track of the “time frame” part of my SMART goals. Unsure how I was going to get around my dilemma, I organized to meet up with a friend for a glass of wine and share what I had been doing.

As I was telling her about my recent goal setting exercise, and the predicament that I was facing, she shared with me the way that she sets goals for her life – and I’ve got to say, I loved it! Instead of methodically setting out her goals, my friend writes herself a letter from the future. Confused? I was too at first. She explained that she prefers a creative way of setting goals, as opposed to a structured way, and a letter to herself allows her to explore her creativity as well as set goals. Here’s how it goes. You sit down and pretend that you’re 80 years old and coming to the end of your life. You visualize all of the things that you wish you had achieved, and write a letter to yourself as though you have. Here is an example;

“Dear Katharine

I am now an 80 year old woman and have achieved everything in this life I set out to do. When I was 30, I decided that I wanted to be a Business Consultant. People told me it was too late for further training, but I really wanted it. I went back to University and attained a Business Degree. At about the same time I wanted to buy a house. Having very little money I started a savings plan of $100 a week and resigned my self to the fact that I would have to start with a unit. Each week I put $100 away. Before I knew it 2.5 years had passed and I had enough money for a deposit on a small unit and my Business Degree was complete. Feeling ready for a new challenge, I set out looking for employment that would put my degree to good use. I opted to start my own small business, assisting new businesses write their business plans. I became successful very quickly, and was in high demand. I was approaching 33 by this stage and I realized that having been successful in my studies, employment and finances I was ready to settle down. I signed up for internet dating, speed dating and began doing activities that interested me so I might meet like minded people…. (Fast forward 17 years)……When I celebrated by 50^th birthday, I was happy with so many areas of my life, but I felt that I could lose a little weight. I began eating only fresh food, nothing processed and exercised for an hour each day. Before I knew it, I had shed 10kgs………”

The letter above, while not complete, outlines accurately how my friend sets her goals.

As you can see, this is a very original way to set goals, and one that may appeal to those people who express themselves better creatively, rather than methodically, or strategically. After the afternoon spent with my friend, I was more than ready to sit down and goal set yet again, only this time I would be using her method, and expressing my creativity in the process.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Change

Changing Tact

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

 - Unknown author

 

This quote effectively means that you can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. It sounds pretty simple, right, but you would be surprised how many of us do exactly that. The most common reason being that we don’t know any other way to reach our desired outcome, so we simply revert back to what we do know. The other reason that people do this is because while they don’t know what steps to take to reach their end result, they feel that they are making progress if they are doing SOMETHING rather than nothing at all, even if it isn’t working.  

I too have found myself caught in this cycle and I have found that sometimes ideas come if I think about doing the complete opposite of what I have been doing. It definitely gives me a different perspective to look at the problem from. At a point in time I found that my toddler was being purposely disobedient and as a result thought that she was most likely old enough for the “time out” method. Now, my daughter is particularly stubborn and as a result, time out resulted in larger scale tantrums, more tears and worse behaviour. I persisted with this method with the belief that it was the

only way, even though I could see that it wasn’t working for my daughter. One day after the 10^th “time out” for the day and no improvement in behaviour I decided to try a new tact. I sat down with my daughter and together we created a star chart, whereby she would be rewarded with stars that she could trade for simple treats, when she behaved well. I wasn’t even implementing this method for a day when I saw a total change in behaviour. By the next day she had enough stars to trade for treats and I had a much happier home. The point of the story is that I persisted with time out because I wanted to feel like I was doing something, even though it wasn’t working. By changing my tact I am still doing something, and it is actually working. There are always new and better ways to do the same task, so use your imagination and find out what they are.

The Road Ahead

As the anniversary of 9/11 dawns upon us, we all reflect on , and mourn for the lives lost on that terrible day 10 years ago. Most of us can remember exactly where we were and what we were doing when we heard the news that America had been attacked. I, myself, remember that I had had an argument with my partner and went to bed early that night. As I woke up the next day and turned on the news, it slowly dawned on me that a terrible tragedy had occurred while I slept.

For many of us, the last 10 years has passed quickly. We have gone about our lives and much has changed….or little has changed. As we remember where we were when the twin towers were hit, it is also a good idea to remember where we have been over the last 10 years. Have we accomplished all that we had set out to accomplish in the last 10 years? Or have we remained stuck? When you reflect on the last 10 years, are you proud of where you are in your life? Are you even able to measure your progress over the last 10 years, or is everything simply a blur?

As I sat down to assess my own progress on my journey, I found that breaking down each aspect of my life and writing down where I was 10 years ago, where I am today, and where my journey has taken me in between, very useful. It gave me the opportunity to reflect, assess and be honest with myself. Some areas of my life I found that I excelled in. Other areas, I realized I had made little progress in, or that I had made progress, but had ended up somewhere I didn’t want to be. I used a time line for this activity, and have included an example at the end of my blog.

So, ask yourself this question; reflecting on the last 10 years, are you happy with where you are in life? If you answered no, today is the first day of your life, make it count. If you are unsure, perhaps you need to reflect and be brutally honest with yourself. If you answered yes, congratulations! You obviously know the fabulous feeling of living your life on your terms.

If 9/11 – 10 years on, has taught us anything, it is that life is too short. It’s too short for making excuses for not being where you want in life, and it’s too short not to grab hold of your life and own it. Your road ahead starts today – travel it!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perception

Have you ever heard sayings such as “If you can't change your circumstances, change your perception” or “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. These quotes may make little sense, or they may ring true for you. The most important point to remember here, is that some things just are what they are. Things that can't be changed. Changing your perception though can have amazing benefits.

Ask yourself these questions, when dealing with a challenging situation. What is the benefit of changing my perception on this? What is the benefit of not changing my perception? Will it make the situation better?

Let's be clear for a moment, I'm not talking about situations that you CAN do something about, I am talking about ones that you CAN'T do anything about. An example of this could be sitting in traffic. Many people, perhaps understandably, get extremely frustrated sitting in traffic. They find themselves becoming stressed, their heart rate increasing and becoming increasingly annoyed with the cars in front of them. Now, what is the benefit of feeling that way? Does it help the situation to become so agitated that you affect your physical and mental health? Now ask yourself the next question. What is the benefit of choosing to accept the traffic, and resolving to take something in the car that will distract from the traffic tomorrow? Perhaps listening to some relaxation music, or catching up on phone calls (on hands free of course) will help you pass the time productively, and help you to stay calm.

Another perfect example that many parents can relate to is a screaming baby. It feels like your baby has been screaming for hours, and there isn't a thing that you can do to change it. You have tried everything, nappy changes, feeding, burping, ignoring, and you have now resorted to rocking, which is taking you away from other important tasks you need to get done. Again, ask yourself the questions. What is the benefit of not changing my perception of how bad this is? Well,you get to continue to feel frustrated, resentful and helpless. Now, what is the benefit to changing my perception of this? You are still in the same situation, but perhaps you start to view the screaming as time you get to spend with your baby, holding them, loving them, and showing them how protected they are.

These are just two short examples of how changing your perception can help your stress levels, and turn a challenging situation into a positive one. When you are in a challenging situation, remember to ask yourself those two important questions. What is the benefit of changing my perception of this? What is the benefit of not changing my perception of this?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Motivation

It is not uncommon a week into the new year, for your motivation to start to waver somewhat. After the initial excitement of setting new goals, and starting a new year wears off, reality sets in, and you realise that you have to actually do the hard work to achieve the new goal, and subsequently the new you. You may have been super excited about a change that you intended on making, only to find out that either the change itself didn't meet your expectations, or the discipline to make the change just seems to hard, leaving you feeling like you have failed. Don't despair, making changes in your life is a slow process, and finding this to be challenging does not mean you have failed (unless you give up altogether on something you really want). Here are some tips to stay on track with your motivation and follow through on the goals that you have set;

1. If you have started the new year on a high, but found that you have lapsed into old habits, resolve to start a fresh tomorrow. Let me explain. Your goal may have been to lose weight, yet 5 days into the new year, you went on an eating spree, eating anything and everything you like. This doesn’t mean that you have failed. Just resolve to start a fresh on day 6, and get back on track with your healthy eating. Faltering slightly is fine, and only becomes a problem when you adopt the mind set that you have already stuffed up, so why keep going. In this scenario, it would mean continuing your eating spree into days 7,8,9,10,11 etc.... then giving up your weight loss goal altogether.

2. Remember that it generally takes 21 days to change any behaviour. Before you decide that a new behaviour isn’t coming to fruition, give it enough time to happen. Don't give up one week in, wait 21 days, and if it is still not working, perhaps you need to revise the goal you set, or the steps you are taking, to lead to the new behaviour.

3. If, after you have pushed through the initial few weeks of making changes, and you are still finding sticking to your new goal to be too hard, perhaps you need to revise the goal. Sometimes we set goals that are a little too ambitious and lose motivation when we don't reach them. For example, you may have set the goal to quit smoking, using nicotine patches. But a week into it, you have had a few cigarettes, missed a day or two of using your patches and are wondering whether quitting smoking is right for you. Now quitting smoking is definitely a good choice, but perhaps it is the method that you are using that isn't right for you (patches). So instead of giving up on your quest to be smoke free, go and see your Dr and discuss other nicotine replacement options with him/her.

These are just a few short tips on staying motivated early in the new year. I hope that they inspire you somewhat to stay on track with your goals.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Attitude

The only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude. ~Dennis S. Brown

I have a friend who wakes up each morning, looks at herself in the mirror and asks “So, are we going to have a good day, or a bad one? You choose!” I absolutely love that she makes this a part of her morning routine, and 100% of the time, she chooses to have a good day, and subsequently does. It’s also a great reminder for the rest of us, that we too have a choice about what attitude we will hold for the day. While we can’t control the outside world and events, we can control our reaction and attitude towards them.

This is not to say that throughout our day, we won’t face challenges and stresses, that will test our attitude, but we must remember we still have a choice in what attitude we will embrace. If we choose to realise that an entire day is rarely perfect, but there are many perfect moments in any given day, we are in a much better position to stay on top of our attitudes. By being present in our day, and implementing an attitude of positivity, we will notice the good in things a lot more than we notice the negative. At the end of the day what have you got to lose by adopting a positive attitude as opposed to a negative one?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your Life - Detachment

I have been reading a lot on detachment lately, and more specifically, the time and freedom it can bring to one’s life if they can manage to detach. In theory, the idea of being present in the lives of others, but being detached from their life, can bring about an enormous amount of freedom and peace, but is it a skill that can be mastered? I think it is. Let’s look at one area of detachment.

Imagine for a moment that instead of becoming involved in other people’s business, you were simply able to detach from it. This may be an unusual concept to absorb, especially if you are the kind of person that people come to advice and guidance, or simply to share their stories. If you are this person, you may find yourself absorbed in what is happening in someone else’s life, problems or day to day activity, with little time left to be present in your own life. You may find that on any given day, a number of people approach you for help, and after providing the assistance sought, you are unable to detach from their problems or to stop wondering what they will do, how they are feeling or what will happen next for them. This is where detachment can become helpful. Let’s look at 2 different scenarios.

For a person who doesn’t practise detachment, they are (for example) approached by 5 people on any given day. Some of those people share their problems and ask for advice, which the attached person readily gives. Some of those people simply share stories of their own lives, taking up enormous amounts of the attached person’s time. They may be approached by these people at inconvenient times, but they still readily make themselves available. By the end of the day, this person’s thoughts are consumed with all that they have heard that day, the guidance that they have given, and perhaps even worry for the people that have approached them. Sounds draining right? Let’s look at a detached person.

The detached person may also be approached by 5 different people seeking advice or sharing stories, however the way that they handle these interruptions is quite different. They firstly approach the conversations with the mindset that they are not going to try to solve anyone else’s problems, or allow a conversation to go on too long. When people share their problems, they may simply nod, offer words of encouragement or recommend a book that may help the person in question. Ultimately they approach the situation steadfast in the idea that it is not their responsibility to solve the problems of anyone else, and that it is possible to care, while detaching from a situation that is not theirs to be attached to. When conversations are going on too long, they are firm with the person that they have other things to attend to, or they tactfully change the subject. At the end of a day, after hearing the stories and problems of other people, they don’t continue to think about or dwell on them, but rather focus on activities, events and tasks that directly improve their own lives.

Detaching will take practise, but the benefits are enormous. The biggest one being, that you will have a lot more time to focus on, and be present in your own journey. The second biggest benefit is that emotionally, the only emotions that you will take on are your own. At the end of the day, detachment means staying out of anything that it isn’t your business – which is anything that doesn’t directly involve you, your life, or your journey. For more on detachment, I recommend the following book;

Let go now: embracing detachment

Author: Karen Casey

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Career

Career Direction – Which way?

Deciding upon a career or changing careers later in life can be a challenging time for anyone. For those that are just starting out in their careers deciding what to “be” can be difficult, especially with the added pressure of thinking that you have to choose a career path that you will follow for the rest of your life. As a young person, perhaps you don’t yet have the life experience, skills, qualifications or experience to know what you can do as a career.  As overwhelming as it feels, there are ample resources available to help you choose a career; it’s just a matter of finding those resources and utilising them adequately. There is also the option of trying lots of different jobs until you find something that interests you that you feel you could pursue as a career path.

For those of you changing careers later in life you may feel fearful that you will have to start at the bottom, especially if the career path you are changing to is something you have never done before. Perhaps you fear you will be competing against younger people, or are worried about returning to study in order to be qualified in your new career path. As fearful and nervous as you may be about the unknown and regardless of what work you have done before, you will have ample transferrable skills that you can transfer from one career to another. It’s just a matter of discovering what they are, and marketing them to prospective employers well.

Choosing a career or changing careers can be scary. Having consulted hundreds of people in career commencement and transition, I understand the concerns that come up; it is a big decision to decide on a career path. You will be investing hours of your life in this one activity, so you want to get it right. If I can give one piece of advice it would be this; choose a career that you love! If you love your work, your life will be so much richer for it, and you will feel like your career couldn’t be further from “work”.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Time Management

“Yesterday is a cancelled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely.”

 - Unknown Author

I recently sat down to take a look at my life and particularly why it is that I am always so busy. I discovered that if we each had 8 hours of sleep a night, that we would have 112 usable hours in the week to live life. This interested me, and particularly what it is that I am spending my 112 hours on a week. I must say, I was disappointed to say that I spent way too much time engaging in activities of little importance, such as watching TV, Vacuuming twice a day and procrastinating.

This not only terrified me but prompted me to take action to effectively use my most precious commodity – time. I listed all of the things that I need to do each week, all of the things that I wanted to do each week, and all of the things that I couldn’t possibly live without doing for myself, such as meditating or taking a bath.

After reorganizing my priorities to include work, my children, my relationships, household responsibilities, self-improvement and “me time” I was able use wasted hours on the things that really matter to me.

I am now more effective, more relaxed and more organized. I also learned a valuable lesson about how often we claim that time is our most precious commodity, but how readily we waste it.

So how can you too better use your time? Take out a piece of paper, write down all of the things that you currently do, and how many hours per week you spend on them. Now review where you are wasting time. Take out a second piece of paper and write down a new plan. Include the things that you have to do, and those that you want to do. On the new sheet of paper CHOOSE how many hours per week you will spend on each activity and in looking at the first piece of paper, decide what activities you can reduce hours on, or cut out altogether. Good luck!